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[08 Feb 2008|09:07pm] |
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i'm doing the abc diet, and im s ticking to it, but i feel like i'm eating SO much on my 500 cal days. if i gain weight tonight, im quitting this hsit. im also gonna start exercising some how, yoga i think. maybe some pilates and abs o steel. gotta stay on track when i go away this weekend.
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[05 Feb 2008|08:52pm] |
total today
cals: 260
fat: 6g
not GREAT, but better! it's only 9 pm, but i'm too injured to move and eat again.
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[05 Feb 2008|12:16pm] |
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my dad was in such a good mood this morning. singing in the shower and everything. and then the insurance company called to say i didnt have insurance anymore and he flipped. not at me in particular. i guess more at my mom, they weret fighting..he was just in a nasty mood. because of me. because im too much of a fuckin pussy ass loser to get my life together. i cant wake up in the morning, cant even keep commitments with my friends. can't pass school, can't find a job. can't bring myself to do any of it. i have everything handed to me on a plate and i just throw it away because it doesnt make me happy. the one thing that makes me happy isn't good enough. isn't acceptable. is a waste of everything. it got me in the place i am today. and i wouldn't take it back for a second. i just wish i could accept the good with the bad. i wish i could do what i needed to do in order to continue to live the life i love. but with the high it brings, im so scared of going back to the lows i once experienced. so i avoid. and get nowhere accept right where i started... absolutely miserable. at least back then it wasn't my fault i guess. i had sympathy and understanding. now it's just a burden. i don't know what to do.
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[05 Feb 2008|05:09am] |
ok so of course i fucked up again BIGGG TIME. i've probably eaten more in the past few days than i have in my entire life. it's sick. i'm either not eating anything or eating EVERYTHING and not seeing any limit. i make myself sick. it's like when i decide to binge, i have to make up for everything i'm not going to eat when i fast. i just eat quadruple. more than morbidly obese people eat in a week. DISGUSTING. i did get more adderoll though and i plan on taking that first thing tomorrow with a few redbulls and some green tea. i really think i can go the whole day. i REALLY need to. it's sad when i have an opportunity to see my best friends, who i NEVER get to see, and i second think it because i don't want them to see how fat i got. that's motivation. as is the exciting month of march. remember, people like skinny people. u will have more fun if u are thin. it's proven. you've seen it happen. still need to find a job, still stressing out. in the exact same spot as last time, just at least 15 pounds heavier. GET BACK TO 129!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's not even good but if u can do that it's SOMETHING.
he grew his hair out again, do this for him.
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[24 Jan 2008|06:22pm] |
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i fucked up majorly yesterday... i was doing so well. i went to class and even walked extra in the city. i had too much time to waste tho, so after my redbull i went to ABP and got a low fat chicken soup. i looked up the nutritional info while i ate it and it was about 130 calories. i only drank the broth and didn't even finish it so i was still doing OK. but then i went home and my mom got me a bagel WITH CHIPS and i scarfed it all. i feel disgusting. i haven't eaten at all today. it's 6:30 and i'm going out to dinner with my friends in an hour, i'm going to get a soup or salad, maybe both. i hate how resturants dont have like the low fat ranch dressing. its just dressing u dont need more caloriesssss. i took some new pictures today and compared them to the ones from last week. NO DIFFERENCE. then again i've only lost like 2 pounds. omg 2 pounds in a week is sick. i can usually lose 2 in a day! what is wrong with me! i need to do more, this is disgusting. i've been watching thinspo vids on youtube to keep myself from eating until we go out, and hopefully they will stick in my mind while i decide to order. i think im gonna look up the menu too so i can decide ahead of time what would be best to get. ok i'm gonna go do that peace.
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[23 Jan 2008|12:34am] |
i did pretty well today!! i had chicken fajitas from TGIFriday's and a Grande Skinny Latte (only 130 calories). i'm nt sure how many cals the fajitas are but i'm hoping it's under 370. unlikely i suppose. either way, i'm happier with myself for not eating ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH as i have been. that would have been my snack yesterday. fucking disgusting. a few weeks back i was reading in a magazine about like what fat people ate before they got skinny and it was like 8,000 cals a day or something and it was like 8 cookies for dinner... im like i eat 8 cookies for dinner on top of like 2 sandwiches and everything else in sight. it's a miracle i don't weigh 300 pounds.. but if i don't cut it out now, i'll end up like that. i need not jiggle when i walk. i need to be toned. i need to be thin and have my bones sticking through so that i look so fragile people just want to hold me and make me better. i will do even better tomorrow because it's a busy day. i signed up for a class, it sounds pretty cool. it's about music in the 1970's so i'm kind of stoked about that. also kind of nervous, u know... what if i fuck it up? plus i hate not knowing people, where do i sit when i walk in the room? blah i'm taking what my friend said to me today as advice, just fake confidence and you'll get by. i'll do my best. it's hard to be confident when you're a fat ass. but anyways, i'll be in the city (LOTS OF WALKING!!!) and won't have much time to eat at all... my goal is to drink a sugar free redbull before class and then have some 100 cal soup when i get home for a total of 105 cals all day. i hope it goes well, because knowing myself if it's bad, i'll stuff my face for comfort. i vow now that if i do that, i'm purging. things will only get worse if you keep putting on weight.
so my dad tells me today that we're gonna be moving in the next 2 months. we'll still have this house so if i want to stay here i can, but why would i want to stay here? id rather be in the city, especially with my ONE class. i need a job so badly, and now it's even harder... it's like i found a good job in the city, but i cant apply unless i officially live there... and i CANNOT wait around for 2 more months. i am in so much debt, i don't answer my CELL phone anymore because they won't stop calling. so do i get a job here, and say fuck the city job... do i keep looking in the city and wait to apply there later? UGGGGHH why does my family make these things so much harder for me? or am i just making excuses? i don't know... it's not like i can even find anything remotely interesting... i'm just so lost as to go about this job finding process. i wish someone would help me out, tell me what to do, where to look, what kind of job to even look for! i'm just so confuseddddd.
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[22 Jan 2008|01:38am] |
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I FOUND MY ADDERALL!!
Thank god, it totally curbs my appetite :D i feel like i can finally get on track now... until i run out which unfortunately will be pretty soon :/ i need to buy some diet pills ASAP because my wonderful shrink isn't calling me back... right. and this lady is supposed to HELP me? cool. fuck that. tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow i am not eating. i am not eating the rest of the week. i have gotten so fat without my pills. SO OVER IT.
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[19 Jan 2008|04:10am] |
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so i decided to get a new LJ...and not friend anyone i know. it's easier to vent when you're not worried about people you know reading it. especially if you need to vent about them. so here i go...
what is with EVERYONE telling me how lazy and spoiled i am lately?! i mean, on the outside i can understand how it seems that way, and maybe they are right...but i certainly don't feel that way. i don't enjoy myself, i don't feel like i'm living this wonderful like that deserves the "LUCKY!" from people when i reply "nothing" to their "what have you been up to?" i got rejected from school, it's hard because i really don't want to go, but i REALLY would like to be a college graduate. it's like all the rest of the things in my life, i have all these incredible goals that i want to achieve, but for some reason can't find the motivation within myself to pursue them. no matter how badly i want it... it's just not worth actually working for. and i guess that's where the spoiled view comes from... but it's not like i'm actually getting what i want. i'm just sitting here pathetically pinning away at my dreams. wishing for everything and anything. i don't think my view of working for things is because of the way i grew up, i don't think anything deserves to be "handed" to me. i think it has more to do with the way i always pictured my grown up self to be. i was going to marry him, he was going to support me and we were going to be madly in love and nothing else mattered. he was going to go through the bullshit with me, i'm not supposed to be here on my own. 10 years of planning this. 10 years of KNOWING (not thinking) that this is how my life is going to be. and then he marries her. and those dreams, my whole life is shattered with "i do" & "i do" and yet i still sit here waiting and hoping that one day my life WILL be the way i planned. i can't bring myself to settle for any less, but i'm miserable the way i am. i'm stuck. i refuse to give him up. i refuse to give them up. which results in me refusing to accept the real world, the real things i have to do to survive in the world. i just don't understand how someone can be happy just "settling" and how i'm expected to be happy settling, or how in just a few days give up everything to find something new. do i want to go to school? do i want to take classes so i can graduate one day? do i want to find a job and make some money so i can do whatever i want without graduating or at least putting that on hold for a while? do i take not being accepted to school as a sign? can i really be a non-graduate? do i stay in new jersey and look for a job? do i just pick up and go to california like i've always dreamed? will i be happy in california? WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING?! why can't i keep in touch with all my friends? why does it seem like its only certain groups at a time? why can't i find a guy that compares to him? why do things always go back to him? WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO? i can't make these decisions on my own, i can't handle it. i get too overwhelmed and crawl into my lazy doing nothing self. and feel like crap when everyone puts me down. i'm so much more than this, i was destined for great things. i always knew it, i could always feel it, and i've let myself down, i've let my life down. this sucks.
here's one more than i better not let down, maybe if i can achieve this i can at least head in one right direction.
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[12 Dec 2002|01:17pm] |
breakfast
pops cereal = 3 pts
bottled water = 0 pts
nutri-grain cereal bars = 3 pts
lunch
WW bread = 1 pt
light mayo = 2 pts
tomatoes = 1 pt
turkey = 3 pts
total = 13 pts 5-10 pts left
okay i totally fucked up for dinner. i think pizza is like 9 pts and got knows what spaghetti and like 8 pieces of bread is. i was feeling good because the doctor said i lost weight. they gave me this whole speech about being Ana AGAIN, so i was feeling really good that i thought oh one more piece won't kill me. then i went on the scale, up another 3 lbs :(
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[11 Dec 2002|02:53pm] |
okay i'm starting weight watchers again. i watched that i'm going to fat camp special on MTV and when the fat girl said she wore the same jean size as me, i just couldn't take it anymore. so:
12/11/02
breakfast
frosted flakes w/ milk = 3 pts
bottled water = 0 pts
lunch
dinner
2 slices of WW bread = 1 pt
ketchup = 0 pts
1 slice american cheese = 2 pts
boca burger = 2 pts
water = 0 pts
total : approx. 9 pts (i always like add an extra pt just in case)
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[11 Dec 2002|01:48am] |
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ever feel like nobody gives a shit? i know they don't give a shit, but like i don't care because i wouldn't give a shit either. it just makes you feel so unloved. i don't know what to do and when you look for advice, no one has any to give. it sucks. i don't feel well.
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[08 Nov 2002|08:06pm] |
so thin. she's beautiful, she's everything i want to be and more. it's really not fair, i hope she doesn't take it for granted. i can't wait til i can look like that, to be that. no matter what i have to do, i will get there.
"Well, my honest opinion is that people should do whatever it is they want to their body if it will make them feel better about themselves. I'm not personally a fan of how breast implants look, or feel....that's right...I said it...:cough:solid as a rock:cough:. Anyway, cosmetic surgery at an old age is something that 90% of the time ends up looking scary. These ladies that walk around Beverly Hills that are like 105 and have spent a million bucks to make themselves look, well 105 and creepy smooth, is not my thing...but again at the end of the day if that makes them feel more confident to walk down the street then so be it. Thanks for the bizarre question!" - alex band
he's right. there is nothing wrong with plastic surgery if it makes you feel better about yourself, and you know if he saw me walking down the street or some chick made of plastic he'd go for the barbie girl. beauty is always better.
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| it only takes a minute of your precious time, to turn around, i'll be two steps behind... |
[06 Oct 2002|06:26pm] |
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okay so yeah, this is like my "secret" LJ, so no one knows who i am and i can just babble on without anyone i know actually knowing the real me. i get freaked out sometimes when people feel they know me too well, i like being secretive sometimes i guess. i ate way too much yesterday, i had a 3 grilled cheese sandwich, french fries, potato chips (reduced fat) and THREE oreo cookie bars. after the lady at the doctors office called me skinny i felt better about it but then i went off and ate another grilled cheese sandwich and i feel guilty again, i'm not gonna let myself eat anything else tonight. if i'm ever gonna look like them, i just can't.
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